Manipulative Parents

In previous blogs, I touched on the characteristics of victims that make us susceptible to emotional manipulation.  These characteristics add up to a lack of personal boundaries.  We’ve talked a bit about children and some of the manipulative tactics that they use, which are probably the ways that they can see to get their needs met.  But when they turn into a manipulator or a bully, it is a tragedy. 

Parents install our hot buttons. They know how hard to push them and pretty much what our reactions will be.  We were taught early on to love and honor our parents, (Ephesians 6:2) but some parents didn’t get the second part of the scripture.  It is, “Fathers provoke not your children to wrath.” (Ephesians 6:4).   We were also taught that parents have their child’s best interest in mind.  Unfortunately, some of us wake up and realize that their parent has only her/his gain in mind and the child’s insecurity is the vehicle to their goals.  Unfortunately, that the parent is manipulative is realized much later in life, after the damage is already done.

Manipulative parents are likely to twist words to elicit a response or reaction from the victimized child.  In such ways, the child is a puppet to the manipulative parent’s whims.  Some of the common traits of manipulative parents are as follows:

• Behaving like victimized individuals whose world only consists of misery (I was in labor for twelve hours to give birth to you and you don’t appreciate what I’ve done for you).
• Indirectly blaming their children for their condition (If I didn’t have you, I’d have done what I wanted to do).
• Eliciting guilt via emotional blackmail (If you don’t want to do what I want you to do, then I guess you just don’t love me).
• Exploiting weaknesses in children to make them feel guilty (You are so sensitive, we were just teasing.  You have never had a sense of humor).
• Underlying aggressive personality, the traits of which are seen in the aforementioned manner (Coming out on top is of primary importance regardless of the harm inflicted on the child).
• Interfering with every aspect of a child’s life so as to have some amount of control on her/him (Oh, you don’t want to have them as a friend.  Their parents are not our kind of people.  You don’t want to study medicine; you know how bad you are at math).
• Forcing children to do things for them that they would not willingly do (Just put this under your coat, no one will ever know).
• Discouraging children’s endeavors by discarding their desires as impossible or wild (You can never be a model, you’ve always been homely).
• Shirking personal responsibility in order to avoid accusations (it’s not my job to take care of you.  You need to take care of yourself).
• Discouraging discussion on facts that may indicate personal responsibility for their situation (We are never going to talk about the past, so just forget about  it).

It is very important to understand that the manipulative parent is trying to prevent the occurrence of situations rather than dealing with them.  They do not want to accept that they may be responsible for their own condition.

Oddly enough, some parents are jealous of their child’s achievements.  We have all been taught that a parent will want the best for their child, but the fact is some parents cannot tolerate it.  Some believe that if they didn’t go that far in life, their child shouldn’t either.  You see that in the scenario of the father who demands that his child follow the father’s footsteps into his profession and is actively involved in keeping that son from climbing the ladder above him or the daughter who accepts a high paying job and the mother undermines her daughter’s every effort.

A manipulative parent fails to recognize or accept that the problem is with him.  Such individuals may steer away from a confrontation when you try to discuss the problem with them.  Even if you gently confront them and tell them that their behavior is adversely affecting you and your life, their response will likely be a personal attack and  will treat your words as a violent accusation. You may end up apologizing for even bringing it up, with no successful resolution to the problem.  And will the parent learn or change from the interaction?   Oh no!  They will continue in their manipulative behavior patterns as if nothing has happened.  In short, the manipulative parent’s behavior cannot and will not be changed.  It is now up to you to develop your personal boundaries and change the way you react to them.  Following is some suggestions on how to strengthen your personal boundaries.

• Work on your self-esteem.  Children of manipulative parents often have poor self-esteem because of the demeaning behavior that has been meted out to them over the years.  This “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” environment damages self-esteem and makes you more susceptible to the manipulators or bullies in your life.  You have to believe that you are worth more than you were lead to believe and that you are capable of surviving without your manipulative parents.
• Learn to say “NO”.  Learn to say “no” to your parent when his demands are beyond your capacity to give.  The Manipulator will try their level best to send you on long, convoluted guilt trips.  Just don’t pack your bags and go.  Once your parent learns that you won’t respond to that, they will change their tactics, or cease contact with you. 
• Show the Change.  Finally, let your parents know that you are aware of exactly what they are trying to do to you and inform them that such tactics are not going to work anymore.  Of course, the manipulator will get overly emotional and start trying to blackmail you or blame you.  Stay calm and realize that you are doing this for your peace of mind.  Remind yourself that no one deserves to be manipulated to any extent where it becomes a chore and not something you would willingly do once in a while.  They are your parents, but would you allow the same behavior from a stranger?

Making changes in the way you relate to your parent may help improve your relationship in the long run.  Hopefully, you will learn to stop resenting her so much and she won’t be able to complain and manipulate you all of the time.  It is agreed that parents deserve respect, but respect is a two-way street.  It is difficult to honor someone whose goal seems to be to provoke you to anger or discouragement.